I can clearly remember my first days in my dorm room in the city. All of the classic nervous feelings were there... my first time living by myself, small town boy in a big city, not knowing anyone and missing my friends... but those feelings were to quickly change. Before those lonely first few days as a Freshman, I had never been in circumstances that would have allowed me to realize that I had the 3 characteristics necessary for 'gay scene' social acceptance - attractiveness, intelligence, and wit. My lonely days were over... or so I thought.
Everywhere I went with gay people, boys wanted to meet me. My whole outlook changed; I gained confidence, and learned how to use my newly relized tools to my advantage. I immersed myself in my social life, usually to the detriment of my academic life. I was having tons of fun, and not really thinking much about the consequences. After all, I was totally straightedge, what could possibly happen that would be so terrible? Unfortunately, I hadn't yet realized one of my other predominant characteristics: short-sightedness. I didn't stop to think about the fact that I was wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education I wasn't fully taking advantage of, or about how I was treating certain people in order to keep MYSELF constantly happy and carefree.
I regret some of the choices I made in Boston, but it was a true learning experience. Had I not experienced those things, I think I'd be a much more naive and less well-rounded person today. The true friendships I built in Boston, the people who will be in my life forever, and the experiences I've shared with those people, have really shaped me.
When I first moved to New York, the experience was completely different from those first few days in Boston. The social network I had here was exactly what I didn't want. My friends, my comfort with my surroundings, my carefree financial state, my notoriety lol - it was all gone. I was another face in a lonely crowd.
Enter Chris... just what I needed at just the wrong time. He became my emotional outlet - my ONLY emotional outlet in NY. Everything got thrown on him - things you normally discuss with your friends, things you normally discuss with your parents, things you don't normally discuss with anyone! He got it all.
At the same time, I was dealing with a whole host of complicated feelings. My life was changing. Who did I want to become? Was this relationship what I needed? I wasn't that cute little college boy anymore - did people still want me? Was I missing out on the fun of New York? There were a lot of unanswered questions that did not mix well with my lonliness and neurosis.
Finally, he had taken enough. We broke up, and I went into emotional shock. Everything was taken away, and I was forced to do some serious thinking. I thank him for that experience now, because I feel like I matured more in that month than I have in years.
When we got back together I was full of hope, but not everything was perfect. I still had a lot of insecurity from being dumped, and needed a lot of re-assurance that I was what he wanted for good. Fighting for someone's love is not something that comes easily to me, and I needed to feel that he would do the same. That's not what I got. Chris withdrew emotionally, and it caused a serious relapse in my progress. I got scared, and it showed. We decided to go our own ways again - to give Chris the same opportunity I had to work on myself.
This time, though - the feeling is completely different for me. I don't want to fight. I still feel a certain sense of emotional betrayal. He told me in our last conversation that maybe he indeed DIDN'T feel the same way I do, which just justifies my fears. Why did we get back together if he didn't feel it? I know that he is going through a lot right now, and I want nothing more than to be there to help him through it, but that could never happen again unless I knew that he felt the same way I did. "If you love something let it go... if it was meant to be... " :-) I certainly love him. I think it's time to let him go.
This past week, in contrast, has been a blast. I feel like I've just moved to a city I'm already familiar with... I feel like a freshman in Boston again, except with maturity added, ESTABLISHED confidence, and a totally different direction. I had forgotten how easy it is for me to meet people, and never realized how easy it is to meet people who are willing to just be friends if MY outlook and attitude are right. I think I'm starting to like it here. :-) Everything is really coming together for me. I've been so lucky in my life in that respect. Everything really DOES turn out okay. Of course, there is a piece of me still missing, but I have come to terms with the fact that what is meant to be will happen. Today, I really feel like I understand that old famous saying "Today is the first day of the rest of my life..." What that life will hold is uncertain, but for once, that's okay.
On a slightly creepy yet happy note, I just started reading this intense book called "The Time Traveler's Wife" that Patrick recommended to me. It's about a man who has a disease that causes him to travel to different periods in time throughout his life. To make a long story short: when he meets his wife - she has known him since she was a little girl, because his 40 year old self has gone back in time and met her dozens of times. He, however, has not met her yet since he's only in his 20s. It really digs deep into the true meaning of love. I've only read a bit, but can't put it down once I pick it up.
Anyway, last night I went out with Nick, and came home at around 3:30AM. I walked in my room, turned on my light, got all ready for bed, and as I was walking past my desk to turn the light back off, I noticed the book. I touched it and smiled, and at that very second, got a text message from Patrick saying "I miss you." We talked back and forth for a bit... but it was a nice reminder that you're really never alone. Those people I mentioned, the ones who will always be part of your life... they think about you just as much. :-)
I'm off to my first Lacoste fashion show! I'm so excited!! Talk to you later, LJ.
P.S. After re-reading my previous post, I realize that the quote I put at the end really IS what I want, so I decided to re-post as a reminder to myself. This guy is ME when I'm truly in love. There has to be someone else that can feel like this about me:
"I want the boy who's head over heels for me...who thinks i'm the greatest thing, no, the BEST thing that ever happened to him. A guy who's crazy about me, who's okay with cuddling and holding hands, who's always cool with just hanging out. I want a guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot, a guy who calls back when I hang up on him. A guy who will stay awake just to watch me sleep. A guy who kisses me on my forehead, and who wants to show me off to the world when I'm wearing sweat pants. I want a guy who will hold my hand in front of his friends. A guy who won't lie to me - no matter what. A guy who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares for me, and how lucky he is to have me. I want a guy who will turn to his friends, point, and say 'That's him!'..."
One of our store managers emailed me the other day after I went out of my way to do a little personal favor for her, and said: "Dear Mr. Wonderful. It's the little things that count..." IT SURE IS! :) "I would sail across the world for just the color of your eyes..."