Daniel (dankressman) wrote,

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Hung up.

Lonliness, bliss, hope, desire... I never suspected that one person could cause me to feel such profound manifestations of these (and a host of other) emotions. I truly feel that my relationship with Chris is a defining moment in the development of my emotional maturity. Is he going through the same process, or does he first have to experience the immature feelings that I associate with my relationship with Jonathan? Am I his Jonathan, or is this it for both of us? Can I even compare the progression of my emotions to his? We have had vastly different experiences, despite being so connected in our view of the world and our dreams. My immaturity in all other aspects of my life at the time of my first relationship aren't present in him right now. Even now, due to the differences in our life stories, he is more mature (in an experiential sense) than I in many ways.

Following our break-up, I went on a successful mission to make my life outside of our relationship well-rounded. I had to eliminate the feeling of emotional dependency that I kept getting wrapped up in. As I mentioned in a previous post, when I moved to NY, I very suddenly lost "the familiar." When I got into a relationship with Chris - I often fell back on him as a subsitute for the familiar, instead of genuinely replacing the things that were now 300 miles away. I needed what Chris took for granted: a complete life in NY outside of our relationship. Once I really focused on it, I found it quickly, and I'm now in the process of cultivating it.

It is a wonderful feeling to no longer feel lonely in the same way - to regain lost confidence - to feel energetic and happy again. It's wonderful to lose the feeling of needyness - to feel unselfish love in a whole new way that I wouldn't have even believed existed a year ago. Still though, there is a void. When I'm at my happiest, I wish he were with me. I want to show him off to the world. I feel frustrated when he tells me about the great things he has going on and I can't hug him and tell him how proud I am. When boys express interest in me, it feels wrong to not be able to tell them about Chris, and despite finding them superficially attractive, I have no interest in them.

This is all so new to me, and so confusing. I think because I've been so content lately, I've been feeling emotion much more strongly. The "old happy me" is back, and my body is making up for the period where I was a bit emotionally numb by piling it on high now! haha. Today I was watching Troop Beverly Hills (one of my favorite old comedies) and there is a scene where a mom and a daughter are climbing across a log over a ravine. The mom is afraid of heights, and gets trapped in the middle. The daughter climbs out after her to save her, and gets her foot stuck. The mom leaps up and goes to save her daughter, despite the risk. For some reason, thoughts of Chris immediately popped into my head, and I started getting all teary eyed! lol Before Chris, I would always tell people I thought I was "too selfish" to ever think about kids. Before Chris, I had never felt how wonderful it feels to have completely selfless love for another human being. Now, I know that if I end up spending my life with him, there is no question I'd want children. He would be such an amazing father. Especially after all that he's been through with his own parents, and with his love for teaching... I get the cutest little visions of him playing with our kid that make me smile uncontrollably. (Chris, if you read this, that's my "futuristic" theme at work! haha)

Anyway, I guess the point of this entry is that I have to stop torturing myself. I'm thinking about this as too much of a break, and not enough as a break-up. Under the current circumstances, that isn't healthy for me. Is a break-up what we need? Maybe. Will it do more long-term harm than good if we totally cut each other off? Maybe. Could we work through this together if we just decided this was silly and got back together? Maybe. Is Godzilla real? Probably Not. (Had to break the monotony) There are a ton of unanswered questions, and most can't be answered without taking a risk and trying them out. Will we make the right decisions and eventually end up together happily ever after? I hope so. If there is anything I'm sure of, I know it's POSSIBLE because of the love and RESPECT I have for Chris that I've never felt for anyone else. That is enough to keep me going... to keep me trying. Trying is the hard part... I know the love is there to stay. Now, the thinking begins, and the decisions follow. For better or worse, most of the decisions rest on his shoulders. Wish me the best, LJ. :) Bonne nuit.

"Why don't you guys just kiss and make up? That way, I won't end up in therapy twice a week, like Tessa!" -little girl to parents on Troop Beverly Hills
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