I hate this thing. This impersonal form of communication that has become so acceptable as a subsitute for real interaction. I hate that everytime I sit here, I am reminded that I'm allowed a glimpse into what I've lost... I can pull up a picture, a timestamp, a blog. A simulated feeling of reality, just like the outlet that allows the action.
This weekend began with an annoying realization that another one of my new "friends" wasn't content with just being friends. Charles and I had to have a talk, and wont be hanging out again anytime soon.
On Friday, I saw Chris smoking outside of Opaline with this kid Ryan who he had previously said he thought was weird and annoying. He saw me and completely ignored me. It was a night of hypocrisy all around.
How could he go on and on about how he didn't know how I could ever walk past him without saying hello, and then do that? Ryan, who is unwaiveringly persistent about trying to be my friend, told me that Chris did see me and quickly left. It ruined my entire night. I felt the most horrible sinking feeling, like the life had been drained out of me. It would have been better if I wouldn't have seen him that night at all.
On a happier note, I did meet some interesting guys that night (and on Saturday and Sunday) and have dinner plans with three different people next week. I'm really starting to network, and I'm meeting some genuinely interesting people while trying to weed out the bad apples. I met some nice girls who are originally from Boston and had dinner with them on Sunday, too.
One of the highlights of the weekend was meeting this deaf guy named Geo, who I totally hit it off with. That's what got me thinking about the internet, and how impersonal it is. I was telling David that the only challenge i had while communicating with Geo was that so much of my humor and how I convey what I mean to people is in the inflection of my voice. I had to find other ways, like amplified facial expressions, to communicate exactly what I was trying to say.
I feel like lately my life is filled with general contentment mixed with bursts of intense sadness. Everything is a reminder of him. UGH! I'm like a kid in a candy store with all of the new experiences I've been having - exploring New York and really enjoying myself... REALLY enjoying myself... for the first time in a while, yet I can't stop thinking about how he's missing all of it. He was the most important part of the puzzle when all of the other pieces were missing, and now that I've found them, nothing else fit's quite right without the centerpiece.
I was wondering before I started writing this entry how much of this has to do with the way other people have expressed emotion to Chris in the past... or didn't express it. He has always used the good things in his life (like school) as an escape... something to fill the void. Is he closed off because it's how HE has been treated? Is he unable to mix the routines of his daily life with the intensity of our relationship because he's used to using those routines (school, work, etc.) as an escape from difficult feelings? Is he working on these things, or just letting this go?...
I don't want to let go. I guess that's my problem, but it's one I don't want to change. I emailed an article to Chris last week about a scientific study that said that the best outcomes in life come from the big decisions where you don't overthink things, and just do what you feel is right. I feel like HE is right...
"Orpheus was the son of the Muse Calliope and therefore a grand musician. His wife was Eurydice, who also attracted the attentions of Aristaeus. Aristaeus pursued her until she stepped on a poisonous snake and was forced into the Underworld. Orpheus was determined to retrieve his beloved. He journeyed down to the underworld, first charming Charon, ferryman of the dead, and lulling to sleep Cerberus, the three-headed watchdog. He encountered Hades, who initially refused to release Eurydice, but Orpheus's music so touched Persephone that she pleaded Orpheus' case, and Hades relented. There was one condition... that Orpheus not look back on his way out with Eurydice. Of course, Orpheus was worried that she was not behind him, and he fatefully glanced back to see if she was following. She disappeared back into Hades, and he lost her forever. Unable to live without her, Orpheus spent the rest of his days wandering in aimless sorrow before he was finally murdered by maenads, the drunken followers of Dionysus."
"I look at Clare. She is deep in her drawing. When Clare draws, she looks as though the rest of the world has fallen away, leaving only her and the object of her scrutiny. This is why I love to be drawn by Clare; when she looks at me with that kind of attention, I feel that I am everything to her. It's the same look she gives me when we're making love." --Henry in "The Time Traveler's Wife"