...and then he went.
So many steps and so much deception had to go into that trip, and what preceded and followed it. Deception to me, to Michael, to himself. The conversations to plan it, the lies about his previous chats and the nature of his relationship with him, the lies about OUR relationship, even the showering, putting on his shoes, getting on the train. There were so many opportunities to turn back, to do the right thing. Afterward, coming to see me, sleeping with me, having sex with me, and then going home and making a false excuse to enable him to have a second chance in the future, to keep the fantasy alive. Sure, he didn't go through with the act in the end the first time, but that doesn't make any of it better.
He said tonight that he didn't want to tell me because I was sick, yet he made a point to go home and message the guy again after he left me. Once again, he lacks the courage needed to be honest to anyone, most importantly himself. I don't say that out of hate, quite the opposite. "Tough love" he calls it.
This behavior mirrors the events that transpired on 3/3. So much deception, so many steps required, so much insecurity involved. So many lies before and after. It makes me so truly sad and heartbroken on so many different levels, and puts so many questions in my mind. Who else was there? Did these conversations happen with Ivan too? All those guys from his other screenname? I have to assume yes. It just amplifies the pain.
I don't think I'll be writing in livejournal again after this, or reading it. I need to be honest with myself about why I'm writing this entry, and why I come here at all. Sure, it helps me gather my thoughts and reflect, but I really just want him to see this. In light of that realization and admission, I now change formats, to a final open letter to YOU...
I wish you could have told me everything. For the first time in my life (and sadly, I truly believe it really was the first time), I was so intensely dedicated to opening up to someone, to letting you in completely to begin helping each other overcome these awful afflictions that cause us so much dissatisfaction and sadness despite their addictive appeal and temporary highs. The only thing I demanded was total openness and honesty, and I was willing to give both in return, as I never have before to another person. You gave neither.
In the end, this need you had to talk to and be wanted by other boys always trumped me, and that is what I'm left with.
I regret some of the things I said tonight, but I am glad that they will help you move on. I care about you a great deal. I would care if you died, and I care about your well being in general. If you ever TRULY need me, I will be here for you.
I hope that you will take the time to realize how special you can be in this life, and to end the lip service and begin the change for yourself. You have inspired me to overcome challenges that have plagued me for YEARS, and I am grateful for that. I will always remember this as a real turning point in my life, and your part in making it happen, good and bad.
I don't have any fear that I will revert to any old "bad habits" that could get me into trouble. I was honest with you about everything for a reason; my genuine desire to change, with or without you as a partner to help me along the way.
I deserve someone who will be honest with me. I am a good person, and I have so much love to give. I hope you find someone you can love enough to be true to, and find it within yourself to correct your issues. I know you can, because I found it in you.
Ironic, isn't it? In the end, the "lion's" animalistic tendencies couldn't be tamed... There's no turning back now. Goodbye love.