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Thursday, May 19th, 2016
3:19 am - Сандро лайф
Присоединением Крыма к России началось усиленное освоение этого солнечного края. Екатерина II
щедро раздавала земли своим приближённым. Князь Потёмкин "подарил" сам себе лучшие земли, в том
числе и Судак. Со свойственным ему размахом он приказал выписать из Европы лучшие виноградные лозы
и заложить их в Судаке, посадить шелковичные, миндальные, ореховые, инжирные, лимонные деревья.
Судак становится центром марочного виноделия в России. А знаменитый винодел Лев Сергеевич Голицын
основал под Судаком, в посёлке Новый Свет первый в России завод по производству игристых шампанских вин, и в 1900 году отечественное шампанское, произведённое в подвалах Нового Света, на Всемирной Дегустации вин в Париже впервые в истории России получает самую высшую награду - кубок Гран-При. Это был триумф русского виноделия. Исполнив свой патриотический долг, князь по происхождению и учёный по складу ума, Л.С.Голицын разорился. Устройство винных подвалов в горе Каба-Кая и другие работы стоили ему всего состояния. Лев Сергеевич умер в 1916 г. и похоронен


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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
4:24 am - Notable Passage
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

"...but I think the reason it's so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soulmate."

"He probably was. Your problem is you don't understand what that word means. People think a soulmate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soulmate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soulmate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake But to live with a soulmate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soulmates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can't let this one go. It's over... David's purpose was to shake you up... tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you HAD to transform your life, then... beat it."

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Friday, June 27th, 2008
6:51 am
There is a looming sense of disappointment in the air that I can't shake. It feels a lot like when I KNEW I had an awful interview, but had to wait for the phone call telling me I didn't get the job anyway. It's a lot easier to understand abstractly that something has failed than it is to be forced to come face to face with it repeatedly. I am not looking forward to Monday, although I'm sure things will get much easier from there.

This is the danger of talking to him, even for a minute. Promises are made, but never kept. I can't allow that to happen again.

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Monday, June 23rd, 2008
4:49 pm - Sacrifice, potential, and forgiveness... a tiring three days! :)
Sacrifice for love. Since the beginning of civilization, this noble deed has been repeatedly demonstrated, transcending social classes, cultures, and (in literature and mythology) even the spiritual realm.

Men (and sometimes women) have swam oceans, fought entire armies, committed impossible feats, and all too often made the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of proving their love. The principle of the act carries so much weight in western culture that Christianity itself would not exist had it not been for the sacrifices Jesus made, obviously in a non-romantic sense, for the love of humanity.

Imagine then, in ancient times, how a man would be perceived if instead of asking for an ocean to be crossed, or a beast to be slain, his love asked that to prove his love, he go to buy a loaf of bread... and he was unable to find the energy. Not only would she, as the kids say today, "drop him like it's hot" :), he'd become an outcast in society, and probably never find love again.

In contemporary times, references to the aforementioned principles still appear in literature and popular culture, albeit with modified "acts", but the true spirit of nobility is rarely seen. For instance, my favorite song "Kelsey" by Metro Station says "I'd swim the ocean for you, the ocean for you...", but probably translates to something more like "I'd buy an American Airlines ticket to cross the ocean for you, the ocean for you". Although the thought is still there, the nobility is lost in the sense that before buying that ticket, he'll probably have to take vacation time and make her feel guilty about the inconvenience of going to see her first. LOL

Anyway, back to "I wont go buy a loaf of bread man". I recently broke up with his modern ancestor, and let me tell you, it wasn't a good feeling. I invested 5 months in the relationship, and committed more than one major act of kindness without being asked, at least one of which seriously improved the quality of his life. We got in a number of pretty serious spats throughout that 5 month span (one because he cheated), and had some "breaks". Now, as a preface, he had some pretty serious issues with impulse control and needing immediate gratification, and didn't always make the best choices when drunk. Now, I have some of the same issues, but I'd be willing in a heartbeat to take any steps necessary to demonstrate that someone I loved was more important than any of the above if asked. So, during each of these breaks, I encouraged him, told him how much it would mean to me, and eventually flat out asked him not to go out to clubs for just ONE DAY when we weren't together, just to show that it's at least possible, to make me feel like there was some hope of fixing the other "big picture" issues. Was he willing? You guessed it, nope.

The boy begged and pleaded for me to talk to him, but wouldn't, scratch that, COULDN'T stay in his apartment for one night. Needless to say, having a club chosen over you, and then having it repeated 15 times, not only makes you feel like a total (unloved) douche, but demonstrates some pretty serious underlying problems.

The most recent time set off a trigger in my head. My "what the hell are you doing???" self preservation alarm went off. And in the few days that have followed, I have never felt better. Someone who is unwilling to make such a simple sacrifice is not only undeserving of my love, but doesn't deserve my attention at all. To top it all off, he said some unfathomable things to me, including comparing me dumping him to Nazi genocide lol. Never again will I let someone disrespect me like that. (Sing it Christina!)

In happier news, David arrives this weekend to stay with me for the entire month of July while Nick is in Europe. It's going to be amazing. I'm so excited, I can't wait for this week to go by lol. Will, the super cute boy I went on a date with yesterday, texted me this morning, and we're going to hang out tomorrow night also (PS When I was on my way to my first date with Will, I saw "loaf of bread boy" on the train with a guy who had messaged me earlier asking me to hang out haha). AND, this morning I got an unexpected 1-800-FLOWERS delivery from Drew ,the guy I dated around halloween last year, apologizing for everything that happened while we were "together". He also still has all of my Ralph Lauren Rugby clothes... woohoo! LOL And if it couldn't get better, I found $5 on the ground hehe.

Good things are on the Horizon, LJ. :)

current mood: excited

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2008
6:42 pm - As always, Alanis has EXACTLY the right words at just the right time.
You're unsure and you're not ready so that must mean I want you..
You're unavailable and disinterested. To you I look for comfort...
A million times in a million ways, I will try to change you.
A million months and a million days, I'll try to convince you.

I have waited for you, and adjusted for you, and I am DONE.
I have deferred to you, and enabled you, and I am DONE.

You're too young or you're too old, or you're simply not inclined.
You're asleep or you're withholding, be that my cue to crave you.
Several times in several ways, I'll try to squeeze love from you.
Several hours and several ways, I'll feast on scraps thrown from you.

I have bent for you, and I've deprived for you, and I am DONE.
I have depressed for you, and endured for you, and I am DONE.
I have stifled for you, and compromised for you, and I am DONE.
I have silenced for you, and sacrificed for you, and I am DONE.

It won't be long before I am reclaimed.
It won't take long and I'll be on path again.
It won't be easy for us to disengage, I'm at the end of self deprivation stage.

You're afraid of every woman... afraid of your inner workings.
You cringe at the thought of living under the same roof as me god and everything.
A million times and a million ways, I've tried to alter to match you.
Several times, every several days, I've tried to uncrush on you

I have waited for you, and adjusted for you, and I am DONE.
I have deferred to you, and enabled you, and I am DONE.
I have bent for you, and deprived for you, and I am DONE.
I have depressed for you, and contorted for you, and I am DONE.

current mood: relieved

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Sunday, May 25th, 2008
5:23 am - Right now.
My foundation was rocked,
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish...
My departures were old,
I stood in the room shaking in my boots.
At that particular time, love had challenged me to stay.
At that particular moment I knew not run away again.
That particular month I was ready to investigate with you...
At that particular time.

We thought a break would be good,
for four months we sat and vacillated...
We thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding.
At that particular time, love encouraged me to wait.
At that particular moment it helped me to be patient.
That particular month, we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant...
At that particular time.

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself,
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell.
And I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt...
and in the meantime I lost myself.
in the meantime I lost myself.
I'm sorry I lost myself. I am.

You knew you needed more time,
time spent alone with no distraction.
You felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted.
At that particular love encouraged me to leave,
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me.
That particular month was harder than you'd believe... but I still left...
At that particular time.

current mood: confused

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Thursday, May 1st, 2008
12:06 pm - "The TRUTH shall set you free..."
I feel a sense of relief right now; of clarity. Until now I have been pulled back to him by my love, my hope. That's gone now. He will never stop deceiving me. It's time to stop deceiving myself.

I'm deleting all of his messages without reading them. I've had enough meaningless promises. No more interest. It's over.

Hide & Deceive >> Wonderful Moments >> Search >> Find >> Admit >> Restart. The cycle has been broken. I'd hoped it would be broken by him eliminating #1 or at least shifting the "Admit" stage, but in the end it fell to me. What a waste.

current mood: productive

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Tuesday, April 29th, 2008
1:58 am
This has always been my favorite passage from a fiction book. Tonight, it's meaning has changed for me, and filled me with a bit of comfort for the future. I post it here as a bookmark, to remind myself...

"Kira's steps were steady. There were too many questions ahead; but here, beside her, were the things that gave her certainty: his straight, tense body, his long, thin hands, his haughty mouth with the arrogant smile that answered all questions. And, sometimes, she felt pity for those countless nameless ones somewhere around them who, in a feverish quest, were searching for some answer, and in their search crushed others, perhaps even her; but she could not be crushed, for she had the answer. She did not wonder about the future. The future was Leo."

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1:53 am - "...and then you walk away, real slow, back into the crowd..."
"i just wanted to say im so excited to see you and be in your arms. youre my baby and i love you. :)"

...and then he went.

So many steps and so much deception had to go into that trip, and what preceded and followed it. Deception to me, to Michael, to himself. The conversations to plan it, the lies about his previous chats and the nature of his relationship with him, the lies about OUR relationship, even the showering, putting on his shoes, getting on the train. There were so many opportunities to turn back, to do the right thing. Afterward, coming to see me, sleeping with me, having sex with me, and then going home and making a false excuse to enable him to have a second chance in the future, to keep the fantasy alive. Sure, he didn't go through with the act in the end the first time, but that doesn't make any of it better.

He said tonight that he didn't want to tell me because I was sick, yet he made a point to go home and message the guy again after he left me. Once again, he lacks the courage needed to be honest to anyone, most importantly himself. I don't say that out of hate, quite the opposite. "Tough love" he calls it.

This behavior mirrors the events that transpired on 3/3. So much deception, so many steps required, so much insecurity involved. So many lies before and after. It makes me so truly sad and heartbroken on so many different levels, and puts so many questions in my mind. Who else was there? Did these conversations happen with Ivan too? All those guys from his other screenname? I have to assume yes. It just amplifies the pain.

I don't think I'll be writing in livejournal again after this, or reading it. I need to be honest with myself about why I'm writing this entry, and why I come here at all. Sure, it helps me gather my thoughts and reflect, but I really just want him to see this. In light of that realization and admission, I now change formats, to a final open letter to YOU...

I wish you could have told me everything. For the first time in my life (and sadly, I truly believe it really was the first time), I was so intensely dedicated to opening up to someone, to letting you in completely to begin helping each other overcome these awful afflictions that cause us so much dissatisfaction and sadness despite their addictive appeal and temporary highs. The only thing I demanded was total openness and honesty, and I was willing to give both in return, as I never have before to another person. You gave neither.

In the end, this need you had to talk to and be wanted by other boys always trumped me, and that is what I'm left with.

I regret some of the things I said tonight, but I am glad that they will help you move on. I care about you a great deal. I would care if you died, and I care about your well being in general. If you ever TRULY need me, I will be here for you.

I hope that you will take the time to realize how special you can be in this life, and to end the lip service and begin the change for yourself. You have inspired me to overcome challenges that have plagued me for YEARS, and I am grateful for that. I will always remember this as a real turning point in my life, and your part in making it happen, good and bad.

I don't have any fear that I will revert to any old "bad habits" that could get me into trouble. I was honest with you about everything for a reason; my genuine desire to change, with or without you as a partner to help me along the way.

I deserve someone who will be honest with me. I am a good person, and I have so much love to give. I hope you find someone you can love enough to be true to, and find it within yourself to correct your issues. I know you can, because I found it in you.

Ironic, isn't it? In the end, the "lion's" animalistic tendencies couldn't be tamed... There's no turning back now. Goodbye love.

"...and gone."

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
2:36 pm - Gratitude.
I am thankful to have been born in this country, and for the hard work and suffering of the people who made this easy life and this day of thanks possible for all of us. I am thankful for my loving family, especially my mother, who has spent a good portion of her adult life trying to make mine better. I am thankful for David, a true BEST friend who knows me like no one else, and who is always there to help me navigate this funny journey through life. I am thankful for the men who have come into my life and helped me learn, but above all, Chris, who showed me what it means to truly love someone with all of your being and soul, and forced me to reconcile my character flaws with that reality (albeit too late). I am thankful for my job and for Jenn, who has helped transform me from a pompous kid into a business man. I am thankful for my health, as I get older and see so many people around me losing theirs. But most of all, I am thankful to have this opportunity to truly be ALIVE.

current mood: grateful

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Monday, September 11th, 2006
11:11 pm
I just had a conversation with Patrick, the guy I dated before Chris.

The Dan Taylor (10:32:55 PM): Do you think I was totally wrong for you?
The Dan Taylor (10:33:48 PM): I dont mean that as an "I'll be sad" kind of thing if you say yes LOL
The Dan Taylor (10:33:54 PM): I'm just genuinely interested
Silent Narcissus (10:35:03 PM): seriously? Yes. I am happy we met b/c it taught me a lot. but i don't think you were nowhere near a place to give me what i needed. I was so angry for so long, b/c I feel like i tried and tried, and then i gave up. so i was mad at you for not seeing how hard I tried, and how honest i was trying to be. and I was mad at myself for giving up and becoming dishonest

It's interesting how history repeats itself. I feel like such an ass. Why can't I see how hard people try? Why does it always appear to me that I'm trying harder when I rarely am? I have some serious work to do on myself. I need to stop asking "why" and find some answers.

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Monday, February 20th, 2006
10:55 pm - "And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams..."
I apologize to anyone who attempts to read this entry. It's long, and doesn't flow together at all. I have some random thoughts I need to get out, and for some reason, it feels really good to write them down.

I hate this thing. This impersonal form of communication that has become so acceptable as a subsitute for real interaction. I hate that everytime I sit here, I am reminded that I'm allowed a glimpse into what I've lost... I can pull up a picture, a timestamp, a blog. A simulated feeling of reality, just like the outlet that allows the action.

This weekend began with an annoying realization that another one of my new "friends" wasn't content with just being friends. Charles and I had to have a talk, and wont be hanging out again anytime soon.

On Friday, I saw Chris smoking outside of Opaline with this kid Ryan who he had previously said he thought was weird and annoying. He saw me and completely ignored me. It was a night of hypocrisy all around.

How could he go on and on about how he didn't know how I could ever walk past him without saying hello, and then do that? Ryan, who is unwaiveringly persistent about trying to be my friend, told me that Chris did see me and quickly left. It ruined my entire night. I felt the most horrible sinking feeling, like the life had been drained out of me. It would have been better if I wouldn't have seen him that night at all.

On a happier note, I did meet some interesting guys that night (and on Saturday and Sunday) and have dinner plans with three different people next week. I'm really starting to network, and I'm meeting some genuinely interesting people while trying to weed out the bad apples. I met some nice girls who are originally from Boston and had dinner with them on Sunday, too.

One of the highlights of the weekend was meeting this deaf guy named Geo, who I totally hit it off with. That's what got me thinking about the internet, and how impersonal it is. I was telling David that the only challenge i had while communicating with Geo was that so much of my humor and how I convey what I mean to people is in the inflection of my voice. I had to find other ways, like amplified facial expressions, to communicate exactly what I was trying to say.

I feel like lately my life is filled with general contentment mixed with bursts of intense sadness. Everything is a reminder of him. UGH! I'm like a kid in a candy store with all of the new experiences I've been having - exploring New York and really enjoying myself... REALLY enjoying myself... for the first time in a while, yet I can't stop thinking about how he's missing all of it. He was the most important part of the puzzle when all of the other pieces were missing, and now that I've found them, nothing else fit's quite right without the centerpiece.

I was wondering before I started writing this entry how much of this has to do with the way other people have expressed emotion to Chris in the past... or didn't express it. He has always used the good things in his life (like school) as an escape... something to fill the void. Is he closed off because it's how HE has been treated? Is he unable to mix the routines of his daily life with the intensity of our relationship because he's used to using those routines (school, work, etc.) as an escape from difficult feelings? Is he working on these things, or just letting this go?...

I don't want to let go. I guess that's my problem, but it's one I don't want to change. I emailed an article to Chris last week about a scientific study that said that the best outcomes in life come from the big decisions where you don't overthink things, and just do what you feel is right. I feel like HE is right...

"Orpheus was the son of the Muse Calliope and therefore a grand musician. His wife was Eurydice, who also attracted the attentions of Aristaeus. Aristaeus pursued her until she stepped on a poisonous snake and was forced into the Underworld. Orpheus was determined to retrieve his beloved. He journeyed down to the underworld, first charming Charon, ferryman of the dead, and lulling to sleep Cerberus, the three-headed watchdog. He encountered Hades, who initially refused to release Eurydice, but Orpheus's music so touched Persephone that she pleaded Orpheus' case, and Hades relented. There was one condition... that Orpheus not look back on his way out with Eurydice. Of course, Orpheus was worried that she was not behind him, and he fatefully glanced back to see if she was following. She disappeared back into Hades, and he lost her forever. Unable to live without her, Orpheus spent the rest of his days wandering in aimless sorrow before he was finally murdered by maenads, the drunken followers of Dionysus."

"I look at Clare. She is deep in her drawing. When Clare draws, she looks as though the rest of the world has fallen away, leaving only her and the object of her scrutiny. This is why I love to be drawn by Clare; when she looks at me with that kind of attention, I feel that I am everything to her. It's the same look she gives me when we're making love." --Henry in "The Time Traveler's Wife"

current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, February 12th, 2006
1:58 am - Hung up.
Lonliness, bliss, hope, desire... I never suspected that one person could cause me to feel such profound manifestations of these (and a host of other) emotions. I truly feel that my relationship with Chris is a defining moment in the development of my emotional maturity. Is he going through the same process, or does he first have to experience the immature feelings that I associate with my relationship with Jonathan? Am I his Jonathan, or is this it for both of us? Can I even compare the progression of my emotions to his? We have had vastly different experiences, despite being so connected in our view of the world and our dreams. My immaturity in all other aspects of my life at the time of my first relationship aren't present in him right now. Even now, due to the differences in our life stories, he is more mature (in an experiential sense) than I in many ways.

Following our break-up, I went on a successful mission to make my life outside of our relationship well-rounded. I had to eliminate the feeling of emotional dependency that I kept getting wrapped up in. As I mentioned in a previous post, when I moved to NY, I very suddenly lost "the familiar." When I got into a relationship with Chris - I often fell back on him as a subsitute for the familiar, instead of genuinely replacing the things that were now 300 miles away. I needed what Chris took for granted: a complete life in NY outside of our relationship. Once I really focused on it, I found it quickly, and I'm now in the process of cultivating it.

It is a wonderful feeling to no longer feel lonely in the same way - to regain lost confidence - to feel energetic and happy again. It's wonderful to lose the feeling of needyness - to feel unselfish love in a whole new way that I wouldn't have even believed existed a year ago. Still though, there is a void. When I'm at my happiest, I wish he were with me. I want to show him off to the world. I feel frustrated when he tells me about the great things he has going on and I can't hug him and tell him how proud I am. When boys express interest in me, it feels wrong to not be able to tell them about Chris, and despite finding them superficially attractive, I have no interest in them.

This is all so new to me, and so confusing. I think because I've been so content lately, I've been feeling emotion much more strongly. The "old happy me" is back, and my body is making up for the period where I was a bit emotionally numb by piling it on high now! haha. Today I was watching Troop Beverly Hills (one of my favorite old comedies) and there is a scene where a mom and a daughter are climbing across a log over a ravine. The mom is afraid of heights, and gets trapped in the middle. The daughter climbs out after her to save her, and gets her foot stuck. The mom leaps up and goes to save her daughter, despite the risk. For some reason, thoughts of Chris immediately popped into my head, and I started getting all teary eyed! lol Before Chris, I would always tell people I thought I was "too selfish" to ever think about kids. Before Chris, I had never felt how wonderful it feels to have completely selfless love for another human being. Now, I know that if I end up spending my life with him, there is no question I'd want children. He would be such an amazing father. Especially after all that he's been through with his own parents, and with his love for teaching... I get the cutest little visions of him playing with our kid that make me smile uncontrollably. (Chris, if you read this, that's my "futuristic" theme at work! haha)

Anyway, I guess the point of this entry is that I have to stop torturing myself. I'm thinking about this as too much of a break, and not enough as a break-up. Under the current circumstances, that isn't healthy for me. Is a break-up what we need? Maybe. Will it do more long-term harm than good if we totally cut each other off? Maybe. Could we work through this together if we just decided this was silly and got back together? Maybe. Is Godzilla real? Probably Not. (Had to break the monotony) There are a ton of unanswered questions, and most can't be answered without taking a risk and trying them out. Will we make the right decisions and eventually end up together happily ever after? I hope so. If there is anything I'm sure of, I know it's POSSIBLE because of the love and RESPECT I have for Chris that I've never felt for anyone else. That is enough to keep me going... to keep me trying. Trying is the hard part... I know the love is there to stay. Now, the thinking begins, and the decisions follow. For better or worse, most of the decisions rest on his shoulders. Wish me the best, LJ. :) Bonne nuit.

"Why don't you guys just kiss and make up? That way, I won't end up in therapy twice a week, like Tessa!" -little girl to parents on Troop Beverly Hills

current mood: artistic

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Saturday, February 4th, 2006
4:06 pm - Chronicles of Dan, Chapter ? ....
When I moved to Boston in 2000, I had already visited dozens of times. I had been to Northeastern twice, driven from western Massachusetts with Larry a few times while I was staying with him for the summer, and of course the infamous stay at Mike Hager's dorm room when I met Jonathan.

I can clearly remember my first days in my dorm room in the city. All of the classic nervous feelings were there... my first time living by myself, small town boy in a big city, not knowing anyone and missing my friends... but those feelings were to quickly change. Before those lonely first few days as a Freshman, I had never been in circumstances that would have allowed me to realize that I had the 3 characteristics necessary for 'gay scene' social acceptance - attractiveness, intelligence, and wit. My lonely days were over... or so I thought.

Everywhere I went with gay people, boys wanted to meet me. My whole outlook changed; I gained confidence, and learned how to use my newly relized tools to my advantage. I immersed myself in my social life, usually to the detriment of my academic life. I was having tons of fun, and not really thinking much about the consequences. After all, I was totally straightedge, what could possibly happen that would be so terrible? Unfortunately, I hadn't yet realized one of my other predominant characteristics: short-sightedness. I didn't stop to think about the fact that I was wasting hundreds of thousands of dollars on an education I wasn't fully taking advantage of, or about how I was treating certain people in order to keep MYSELF constantly happy and carefree.

I regret some of the choices I made in Boston, but it was a true learning experience. Had I not experienced those things, I think I'd be a much more naive and less well-rounded person today. The true friendships I built in Boston, the people who will be in my life forever, and the experiences I've shared with those people, have really shaped me.

When I first moved to New York, the experience was completely different from those first few days in Boston. The social network I had here was exactly what I didn't want. My friends, my comfort with my surroundings, my carefree financial state, my notoriety lol - it was all gone. I was another face in a lonely crowd.

Enter Chris... just what I needed at just the wrong time. He became my emotional outlet - my ONLY emotional outlet in NY. Everything got thrown on him - things you normally discuss with your friends, things you normally discuss with your parents, things you don't normally discuss with anyone! He got it all.

At the same time, I was dealing with a whole host of complicated feelings. My life was changing. Who did I want to become? Was this relationship what I needed? I wasn't that cute little college boy anymore - did people still want me? Was I missing out on the fun of New York? There were a lot of unanswered questions that did not mix well with my lonliness and neurosis.

Finally, he had taken enough. We broke up, and I went into emotional shock. Everything was taken away, and I was forced to do some serious thinking. I thank him for that experience now, because I feel like I matured more in that month than I have in years.

When we got back together I was full of hope, but not everything was perfect. I still had a lot of insecurity from being dumped, and needed a lot of re-assurance that I was what he wanted for good. Fighting for someone's love is not something that comes easily to me, and I needed to feel that he would do the same. That's not what I got. Chris withdrew emotionally, and it caused a serious relapse in my progress. I got scared, and it showed. We decided to go our own ways again - to give Chris the same opportunity I had to work on myself.

This time, though - the feeling is completely different for me. I don't want to fight. I still feel a certain sense of emotional betrayal. He told me in our last conversation that maybe he indeed DIDN'T feel the same way I do, which just justifies my fears. Why did we get back together if he didn't feel it? I know that he is going through a lot right now, and I want nothing more than to be there to help him through it, but that could never happen again unless I knew that he felt the same way I did. "If you love something let it go... if it was meant to be... " :-) I certainly love him. I think it's time to let him go.

This past week, in contrast, has been a blast. I feel like I've just moved to a city I'm already familiar with... I feel like a freshman in Boston again, except with maturity added, ESTABLISHED confidence, and a totally different direction. I had forgotten how easy it is for me to meet people, and never realized how easy it is to meet people who are willing to just be friends if MY outlook and attitude are right. I think I'm starting to like it here. :-) Everything is really coming together for me. I've been so lucky in my life in that respect. Everything really DOES turn out okay. Of course, there is a piece of me still missing, but I have come to terms with the fact that what is meant to be will happen. Today, I really feel like I understand that old famous saying "Today is the first day of the rest of my life..." What that life will hold is uncertain, but for once, that's okay.

On a slightly creepy yet happy note, I just started reading this intense book called "The Time Traveler's Wife" that Patrick recommended to me. It's about a man who has a disease that causes him to travel to different periods in time throughout his life. To make a long story short: when he meets his wife - she has known him since she was a little girl, because his 40 year old self has gone back in time and met her dozens of times. He, however, has not met her yet since he's only in his 20s. It really digs deep into the true meaning of love. I've only read a bit, but can't put it down once I pick it up.

Anyway, last night I went out with Nick, and came home at around 3:30AM. I walked in my room, turned on my light, got all ready for bed, and as I was walking past my desk to turn the light back off, I noticed the book. I touched it and smiled, and at that very second, got a text message from Patrick saying "I miss you." We talked back and forth for a bit... but it was a nice reminder that you're really never alone. Those people I mentioned, the ones who will always be part of your life... they think about you just as much. :-)

I'm off to my first Lacoste fashion show! I'm so excited!! Talk to you later, LJ.

P.S. After re-reading my previous post, I realize that the quote I put at the end really IS what I want, so I decided to re-post as a reminder to myself. This guy is ME when I'm truly in love. There has to be someone else that can feel like this about me:

"I want the boy who's head over heels for me...who thinks i'm the greatest thing, no, the BEST thing that ever happened to him. A guy who's crazy about me, who's okay with cuddling and holding hands, who's always cool with just hanging out. I want a guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot, a guy who calls back when I hang up on him. A guy who will stay awake just to watch me sleep. A guy who kisses me on my forehead, and who wants to show me off to the world when I'm wearing sweat pants. I want a guy who will hold my hand in front of his friends. A guy who won't lie to me - no matter what. A guy who is constantly reminding me of how much he cares for me, and how lucky he is to have me. I want a guy who will turn to his friends, point, and say 'That's him!'..."

One of our store managers emailed me the other day after I went out of my way to do a little personal favor for her, and said: "Dear Mr. Wonderful. It's the little things that count..." IT SURE IS! :) "I would sail across the world for just the color of your eyes..."

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
12:30 am - Drivel.
It's a cold night in Boston. I walk through the familiar streets toward the greyhound station to return to the unfamiliar - the now unknown. A street musician that I would have overlooked before I met you plays an old love song, drudging up more memories of your face, and bringing a smile to mine. I wonder if you think of me on nights like this, walking through those streets that are so familiar and important to you, and so frightening to me. It's going to be a cold night in New York.

current mood: relaxed

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Friday, September 16th, 2005
12:15 am - ahhhh Ayn Rand. :)
"Kira's steps were steady. There were too many questions ahead; but here, beside her, were the things that gave her certainty: his straight, tense body, his long, thin hands, his haughty mouth with the arrogant smile that answered all questions. And, sometimes, she felt pity for those countless nameless ones somewhere around them who, in a feverish quest, were searching for some answer, and in their search crushed others, perhaps even her; but she could not be crushed, for she had the answer. She did not wonder about the future. The future was Leo."

current mood: loved

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Monday, May 2nd, 2005
2:34 am - Think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight!
I just got in, and am about to go to bed, but I had to post quickly because I'm getting really frustrated right now about something over which I have no control, and I need an outlet to vent.

I find the hypocrisy in people's thinking about animals unbearable. Every day I walk down the street and look at all of the dogs sitting in upscale cafes peering up at me with innocent eyes as the people charged with taking care of them eat the flesh of other (often comparably smarter) non-human animals.

This year I gave up wearing leather because my old roommate David helped me realize, mostly through constantly making fun of me haha, that my actions were completely inconsistent with what I was saying I believed. I was sacrificing what I knew in my heart to be right for fashion. I'm glad I woke up and thought about exactly what I was REALLY contributing to.

Americans are often completely disgusted when they hear about dogs being skinned alive in Asian markets and left hanging, convulsing and bleeding, still alive as people look for the best meat. People don't think about the fact that there is NO difference between that and what happens to cows and pigs and chickens here. People in India find what we do to cows just as deplorable. It's all culturally relative. Killing a life is killing a life.

Whatever you do, at least be consistent. Don't eat a hamburger if you wouldn't eat your puppy! UGH! :)

http://www.peta.org Go there! lol

"Isn't man an amazing animal? He kills wildlife by the millions in order to protect his domestic animals and their feed. Then he kills domestic animals by the billions and eats them. This in turn kills man by the millions, because eating all those animals leads to degenerative and fatal health conditions like heart disease, kidney disease, and cancer. So then man tortures and kills millions more animals to look for cures for these diseases. Elsewhere, millions of other human beings are being killed by hunger and malnutrition because food they could eat is being used to fatten domestic animals. Meanwhile, some people are dying of sad laughter at the absurdity of man, who kills so easily and so violently, and once a year sends out a card praying for 'Peace on Earth'." - C. David Coats

current mood: pissed off

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Friday, April 15th, 2005
1:47 am - Strangers are just friends waiting to happen.
I've had a really productive night, and I'm feeling good. I just had a great conversation with Dave from Amherst, who I unfortunately never really spoke with much while I was in Boston. I didn't realize how much we have in common. It's reassuring to discover from time to time that intelligent and interesting gay people really DO exist.

Actually, I can count all of the ones I've encountered on 2 hands, and they all know each other. LOL (Hey guys! ::smirk::)

Jonathan is coming to visit me for my birthday. David and possibly Matthew are coming shortly thereafter. Sheri is coming the week after that. Book your appointments in advance folks! haha

Goodnight LJ, and my apologies for this clearly pointless, time-killing entry.

current mood: content

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Saturday, March 12th, 2005
9:12 pm - Road to Progress
I am feeling really good right now. Patrick just sent me an angry, insulting email saying he wished he had never met me, but I feel really at peace. Things are amazing for me right now, and although I'm still worried about Patrick and want him to be happy, I don't feel like I need him in my life at all.

He DID make me think a bit, though... about my own behavior. Hopefully it will be a wake up call to help me start being a better person all around. His harsh words were intended to hurt, but hopefully they'll help.

My boss and I were walking from the corporate office to a boutique the other day, and he said "So this place sure makes you feel alive, huh?" Yeah. It sure does. :) I am right where I have wanted to be for years... give and take a few things lol, and it's because of my hard work. That feels good.

I <3 NY... and for the first time in a while, I <3 me, too.

current mood: accomplished

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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
3:58 am - Blast from the past...
My first serious boyfriend just wrote a journal entry about me, and I wanted to post a link here for memory's sake.

Strangely enough, I can relate to everything he said. I will miss you too, Larry Mortensen. ;-) Until we meet again...

"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away."
--Carrie Bradshaw, SaTC

current mood: nostalgic

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